For those of you who know me and follow me on Facebook, you probably saw this morning that I was wearing my grumpy pants. I was. I was sleepy. I wasn’t thrilled that there was a layer of frost on my car after I was already running late. I was unhappy that there were so many late students to sign in this morning. Blah, blah, blah…
I was in a funk for most of my work day. I did what I had to do, but I found myself genuinely irked by several conversations today. Sure, they were actually tough conversations, (my director saying the best leaders are “firm, fair and consistent”), but they weren’t ideas that I didn’t know these people had. I wasn’t caught terribly off guard by them, I was just easily frustrated with them.
The day continued in that fashion. I got in the car to head home, vented a bit to my mom, and then searched through my music to find something sad. I realized that I wanted to cry and get upset. My mind was so used to the pattern: have a rough day; feel bad for self; put on sad music; think of all the sad/bad things in life; get more sad; go home and sleep; be more sad for days. Holy shit! This is a terrible pattern and I have a really nasty habit of falling into it. I wanted it. It felt only natural to have a mediocre day, and then try to complicate it by making it miserable.
Ah-ha! I caught it. I caught myself trying to revert back to this bad pattern. And I watched myself feel slightly disappointed when my sad songs didn’t bring tears to my eyes. I was so used to this routine, that I failed to see it for so long. Until today. Because so many of my other patterns have been broken. Because I’m more aware and able to watch myself.
For me, it was either an awesome day or shitty one. There was no middle ground. Today I am allowing myself to sit in the middle somewhere. No, today wasn’t the best day ever. But today was also not a day that requires tears, unnecessary sleep, over-eating, or sadness.
Pattern identified. Pattern stopped. (At least for today)